Wait how old IS Nick?
by Hurble Dee
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. The ZPD Officers attempt to reason out Nick's age... with varying degrees of success. Cue arguments and flawed reasoning.


**Disclaimer: In no way, shape or form do I own Zootopia. That's all Disney. I only own the idea of this fanfic.**

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Wait… How old **_IS_** Nick?

Sitting in her seat in the bullpen, Officer Judy Hopps was deep in thought. She was in a dilemma, not once before had she had so much trouble in completing such a simple task, and yet, here she was. Judy continued to ponder her choices as the other officers in the room continued to banter with each other.

"You okay there?"

"Huh?"

Judy snapped out of her trance and looked up at the one who tried to get her attention. It was Officer Pennington, one of the first mammals whom she managed to make friends with after joining the ZPD.

"Oh, hey Francine. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just having some trouble deciding what to get." Judy replied.

"Getting what?" Francine inquired.

"Well… as of next Tuesday, it's going to be a whole two months since Nick joined the ZPD and I was thinking of getting him a gift to commemorate the occasion."

"That's awfully nice of you to get a gift for your boyfriend. Normally it's the guy who pampers the girl with gifts."

" _ **WHAT?!"**_ Judy started to blush a very bright red at the thought of her and Nick being in a romantic relationship. She always had a good time whenever she spent time with Nick, sure, and she definitely liked his company, more so than her other friends, but she wasn't sure if she liked Nick in _that_ way. Even as a young kit, she had been only focused on her reaching her lifelong goal of becoming a police officer. And with that, she had thoroughly and systematically shot down the advances of every interested buck that came her way. She, unlike most bunnies, had never held a single relationship before becoming a working adult. She didn't have any idea if what she felt towards Nick was love or not, nor how to respond to it.

"I… Nick… We… Wait, is _that_ how **all** the other officers see us?!"

"Well yeah! I mean, it really couldn't get any more obvious even if you tried. In the span of two months, the two of you managed to apprehend over thirty criminals, cracked 10 cases wide open each within the span of several days, and both of you had managed to get Bogo's praise the other day. And those are only the things I can think of the top of my head!"

"That simply means that we're good at our jobs! That doesn't really mean anythi- "

"That just shows how good you two are together as a pair. Outperforming many other more experienced officers is no small feat, mind you. There's also the natural chemistry between you two. I mean, you two get along so well with each other, everyone here can see that for themselves. Everyone knows that foxes and bunnies are two species that just don't get along, you two also have such different personalities, it's amazing how well you two go together. Clearly there's something special between the both of you! Oh! And then there's the teasing that goes on between you two- "

" _ **OKAY!**_ Enough, please. Nick and I… We… Ugh…" Judy was becoming redder and redder. She now wanted nothing more than to avoid this topic like the plague. Her mind was in shambles trying to come up with a retort to Pennington's remarks. She had failed.

 **Miserably**.

Finally noticing her discomfort, Pennington attempted to get their conversation back on track. "Fine. You wanted to get your _friend_ a gift to commemorate two months on the force. So, what's the issue here?"

Relived that her friend had finally stopped rambling about her and Nick's relationship, she got her thoughts back together and started to clarify her problem to the elephant. "Well, the problem is, I don't know what to get him! I mean, sure, I already known him for about a whole year now, but I still have _no_ idea on what he likes. Every time we go and hang out, he would always just go along with whatever I suggest we do! Giving him a large basket of my family grown blueberries – as much as he likes them – just doesn't feel sincere enough. There at least needs to be _some_ effort put into this. How am I supposed to get him a decent gift if I don't know what he would want?"

"Hmm…" Pennington pondered. "Seeing how you two are such good _friends_ , I'm pretty sure he would he fine with anything that you get him. And if it bothers you so much, why don't you just ask him?" She questioned.

"I wanted to give him a pleasant surprise. If possible, I wouldn't want him to know about it." Judy replied. "Besides, he would start teasing me non-stop about how I struggled in getting him a gift. So, that's another reason not to tell him."

"Well, I'm not too familiar with the mammal myself, so I don't think I'll be too much help in that regard." Pennington responded. "… Hey, how old was he again? Maybe his age can help narrow down the things that he could like."

"Oh, yeah! That's a good idea! Let's see, Nick is…"

Judy paused. She expected the answer to come automatically to her. Instead, she found herself drawing a blank. She certainly hadn't expected Nick's _age_ of all things to leave her stumped.

"I… don't know… I think he was… 32?" That was the age that she had assumed Nick was when she had confronted him about his tax forms all those months ago, by picking out bits of information when gathering the relevant documents and deducing his general age from there. And if she was right, he would be about 33 now. But she didn't remember Nick ever confirming if her guess was true or not.

In general, it was difficult for one to guess the age of a mammal of another species. Unless one had a trained eye, or familiar enough with another species, which was unlikely, it was nigh impossible to distinguish the subtle differences that a mammal of a different species has that distinguishes them into different age groups, other than obvious features like wrinkles.

This was especially true for different animal types, for example: canines, felines and lapines, just to name a few. Even though her police training taught her more about these subtle differences, Judy still consistently guesses wrongly, and sometimes, it wasn't even close to their actual age. Case in point: _**Finnick**_.

When she had first encountered the two foxes, she didn't even take a second look at Finnick before dismissing him as simple cub, if not Nick's actual son. Sure, she didn't really get a good look at his face nor muscle definition, mostly being covered by the elephant costume and all, but that was no excuse. This was her most epic fail when it came to distinguishing ages. Nick, on the other paw, had a pretty good track record when it came to this, being right on the money a solid 9 out of 10 times.

"What? I could have sworn he was younger than that." Said a surprised Pennington.

"Huh? Why?" Inquired Judy.

"Well, for one, I'm pretty sure that **no** self-respecting mammal in their thirties would take the ludicrous amounts of selfies Wilde has."

"I guess that's true." she couldn't help but agree with the elephant.

"And apparently, he also keeps track of the latest trends on the internet. Remember the two lost otter children that were brought to the station three days ago, while you were off trying to locate their parents, Wilde was comforting them and talking with them about the things that they liked. With the boy, he talked about some new video games that was going to come out soon, 'Super _Hare_ io Bros' or something. And with the girl, they chatted about several popular pop singers like Gazelle and the latest gossip. Their conversations were surprisingly in depth, too."

"Huh."

"He keeps up with the latest video game news _**and**_ celebrity gossip! Surely no one in their thirties would have that level of knowledge he has about the latest trends, _right_?" Concluded Pennington.

"I suppose." Replied the bunny, she was considering all the new information that was just presented to her.

The nearby officers suddenly took interest in their conversation and started to join in.

"No, no, no. I'm pretty sure Wilde is actually older than 32."

"What?! No! Officer Wilde is definitely in his twenties."

"No! That's wrong!"

"Huh, what?!" Exclaimed a surprised Judy, who was caught off guard by the surprise interjections.

Officer Wolfard, who was sitting directly behind Judy, started to give his reasoning as to what Nick's age was. "Once before, I asked Wilde to help me to search for some files on my computer while I went away from my desk for a bit to deliver some papers to Bogo. When I came back, I found him smashing his head against the desk, trying to figure it out, and I actually had to show him _step-by-step_ on how to do it. Sure, my computer is a complete and utter disorganized mess, but still. That level of tech savviness is _astounding,_ I tell you, and it's a level that I would associate with much older mammals. Sure, he knows how to surf the net on his phone, but his near total lack of basic computer skills totally **PROVES** that he is fairly aged. I'd say he is in his late forties." Summarized the Wolf.

"But a month ago, I saw Wilde buy a novel written by the mare A. K. Yearling. Daring Do, or something." Retorted Officer Delgato. "She writes action-adventure books that are targeted to _young adults_. I actually asked him about it the next day, and he said that he was actually a fan of the Yearling series. That means that he was getting it for himself and _not_ as a present for someone else. He even said he had an autographed copy of the first book that he got from a convention from sometime back. Surely, to be such a huge fan of the books shows that he is actually fairly young. With this, I'd say that he is in his twenties." Finished Delgato.

"Ah... But you see, Delgato, the series in question while indeed intended for young adults, is enjoyed by many mammals outside of its target demographic. Just like that one cartoon involving ponies that I can't be bothered to remember the name of. That's what makes Yearling such a famous writer, the fact that everyone can enjoy her works." Retorted Wolfard. "On the other paw, this one time, I saw him... "

The arguments started to escalate. More and more officers started getting involved and giving their own ridiculous reasons for why and what they thought the fox's age was. From seeing him playing laser tag at the local arcade the other day to him listening to 'The velvety pipes of Jerry Vole' in the break room, on _**CD**_ no less! There were all sorts of different stories flying around in the bullpen. Every officer was now involved in the debate, and _**no one**_ could agree on what Nick's age was.

" _How did it come to this…?"_ Thought Judy as she rubbed her forehead in exasperation.

"Wow! It's sure is lively today. What's everyone talking about?"

All conversation ceased immediately, and all eyes turned to the new voice. It came from the red-furred fox standing at the doorway, who was wearing a pair of aviators and is currently taking a long sip of coffee from the large foam cup that was in his right paw. It was the fox known as Nick Wilde.

"Hey Nick! We… Ugh… were talking about…" Judy stammered.

"We were trying to figure out how old you were!" Said Officer Fangmeyer.

"Figures. I mean, I _do_ have such a timeless face, it's true. Although, I really didn't think that all of the officers here would get so hung up on the trilling mystery that is my age." Teased Nick.

"So, out with it! Just _how_ old are you?!" Said Officer McHorn.

"Well, if you all _**must**_ know…" Every officer was solely focusing on the fox now.

"I'm actually – "

" **SETTLE DOWN!"** Yelled Chief Bogo.

Everyone, excluding Nick, had visibly flinched. They all had forgotten that Bogo was supposed to arrive soon.

"Everyone! Get back to your seats, and hurry it up! I will now be giving out the morning assignments." Exclaimed Bogo, as he walked into the bullpen.

They all had to force themselves to keep quiet and got back to their individual seats. As Chief Bogo gave out the assignments, there was only thought in the officer's minds:

" _ **JUST HOW OLD IS THAT DARNED FOX ?!"**_

* * *

 ** _A few minutes earlier..._**

Nick had been standing at the doorway, out of sight, for about a full five minutes now, chuckling to himself. In the heat of the arguments, no one had noticed him arrive. He legitimately had no idea why all of a sudden his fellow officers were suddenly arguing about what his age was, but he didn't care. He was too busy being amused by their confusion and inability to figure out what it was.

He was clueless as to why his age was so hard to guess, so much so that even other foxes had much difficulty with pinpointing it, but he enjoyed the bewildered look on their faces whenever he told them they were wrong. _Sure_ , he didn't have any problems with revealing his age to those who bothered to ask, but where was the fun in that? When he had made his way here, he saw Bogo getting ready to come over to the bullpen and was just getting up from his desk. Smiling to himself, he carefully timed his entrance into the room, fully intent on milking all the fun he could from the current situation.

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 **AN: Nick's age will forever be an eternal mystery. And points to those who recognize the MLP references.  
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 **Thanks for reading, and leave a review. Constructive criticisms are welcome.**


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